I had an idea a little while ago that I shared with my co-workers today. Surprisingly, it was well-received. Basically, make a challenging game of trying to leave the office, go down the hallway, pop into the bathroom, take a shit, wipe thoroughly, wash your hands, and be back in the office within 60 seconds. At first, I got some quizzical looks, but that turned into flashes of lighbulb-idea genius as we fleshed out details. How could such a time be achieved? I went back to my desk and continued working. Later, toward the end of the day, “A” (I’ll keep my coworkers anonymous until I get permission to use their names) strolled by my office quite proudly and exclaimed, “One minute, 54 seconds!” Dear god, it was being taken seriously.
So, the game is afoot! We figured the following would have to take place:
- Jeans with belts are completely out. It has to be sweats or shorts that can be pulled down and up in a single swipe.
- Running to and from the bathroom will be required – the trick is to not kill anyone in the process.
- We’ll have to pipe into the security feed from our computers to monitor the bathroom usage and time our trip when we know it’s empty.
- Diets would have to be modified to include high-protein, high-fiber foods, allowing for a quick evacuation that will leave minimal trace – ideally, it could allow for the elusive “one wipe, job done” scenario.
- Don’t bother latching the stall. The latch in our bathroom is very tough to manipulate and you could lose a valuable 6-8 seconds trying to jimmy the damned thing open. No good. Gotta swing the foot out and hold it shut.
- “A” had a brilliant idea: Squirt a bit of Purell in one hand, then go forth. Carefully manipulate every movement with the other hand, including wiping, then slap them together and rub for a good “washing” substitute.
This might not be possible – it could be we’re setting the bar too high. Still, we will attempt to rise to this challenge like the legends of Mount Midoriyama!