Adventures in Haircutting

I have done something that few people in this world have.  Those that haven’t often wish they had for the same reason I chose to do it: morbid curiosity.  What sets me apart is that I actually had the balls to go through with it.

I got Flowbee’d.

That’s right.  I had my wife use a Flowbee on me.  It started when I was helping my inlaws move some stuff into storage.  We happened upon a Flowbee still in its box (opened) with the accessories inside and it was offered to us.  My first instinct was to chuckle and politely decline.  After that rational thought had time to simmer, I ignored it and decided to take one for the team/blog.

Two things to note:

1.  I wanted a much shorter haircut anyway.  With the running I’ve been doing, long hair is a pain and the gel I use to maintain it gets sticky and weird on my skin after I sweat.
2.  C’mon – it’s a Flowbee!  We’ve all wanted to!

So, we made the preparations.  Applied oil to the cutter, connected it to our vacuum hose using a horribly naughty-looking rubber sleeve, took a shower to get the gel out and get my hair wet (the recommended procedure, according to the manual) and sat down to get to work.




So, it begins.


OK, so now in all honesty, I think I can safely go skydiving at this point.  When you have faced the proposition of having your hair cut by a Flowbee that’s god knows how old and just came out of dank storage housed for god knows how long – there’s not a whole lot else that life can throw at you.  Couple that with the fact I haven’t had a drop to drink and I still manage to start out with that damned goofy grin on my face… I have to say, I’m quite proud of myself.

The experience wasn’t entirely unpleasant.  It wasn’t the quick 6-8 minute haircut that was promised – the whole procedure took well over half an hour.  There were a few tugs and pulls, but on the whole it didn’t feel a lot different than running a comb through my hair while having my scalp sucked on.  Unique, yes; but not painful.


I wasn’t quite sure what to expect in terms of results – I was fairly confident that whatever happened, it wouldn’t look good.  That honestly didn’t bother me a whole lot – I just kept repeating point #1 to myself.  No matter how much I got butchered, I’d only have to go through a day or two of work before I could get myself in to a barber (we were performing this experiment at 10:30 at night).

FlowbeeAlmostDoneAnd so, now we find ourselves in the home stretch.  My scalp is horribly numb from the scraping, the poking, and of course, the sucking.  I really just can’t wait for the ordeal to be over – the only thing I can hope is that despite the noise, despite the time, and despite the effort, that it may actually produce a decent haircut and perhaps turn into our home hygiene solution.  The periodic, stifled laughter from Mickey tested my faith in this outcome.

FlowbeeAllDoneI believe the word that comes to mind is: butchered.  My hair is shorter, but not as short as I’d like despite using the smallest attachment possible without violating the Flowbee Safety Protocol.  As you can see from my left (your right) side, the hair is still hippy-long around the ears.  What you can’t see in the photo is how horribly uneven everything is – a goddamn drunk farmer ran over my head with a 5-ton corn husker!

I took everything in stride, though.  It was certainly an experience and I’ve always wanted to see how these things worked.  Plus, I really don’t have to suffer through much more than a few days before getting cleaned up, primmed, and prop-

“Did you forget you have a job interview tomorrow?”, my wife asks.


I completely forgot in the heat of the Flowbee moment!  This is absolutely 100% true – I do have an interview for a second job immediately after work tomorrow and yes, we both forgot about it until after the Flowbee ordeal was done.

My wife and I looked at each other sheepishly as we fought to find solutions.  Maybe I can find time to squeeze in a cut right after work.  Maybe.  Luckily, I have the best wife in the world and she trucked down to Wegmans to procure a proper set of electric shears.

Ten minutes and three cutting attachments later, my hair is now clean and ready to go.  It’s a much shorter look than I’m accustomed to (very military-esque), but that was kind of the point when I started.  Now, it’s midnight – I’ve showered the hair remnants from my shoulders and will go to bed safe in the knowledge that I won’t be laughed at on the street.  The only concern at this point is whether the Flowbee will try and attack me whilst I slumber.

I do feel I should leave this on a positive note for the product, though.  Forgetting the shoddy quality, the length of time to achieve said quality, and the noise running this thing alongside a vacuum cleaner, it did a remarkably good job with the cleaning.  Putting aside all aesthetics, it DID cut my hair and there was not a bit of it on the couch, carpet, or on my person.

Thinking about that more closely, though – is that actually more of a compliment to the Flowbee or to my vacuum cleaner?


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