So, I want to write more in this blog, but a lot has changed for me. Here are bullet points of chronology to get things up to speed. Everything I’m writing here is non-accusatory, emotionless bullet points. Don’t want to offend anyone with subjectivity, though I do admit that they are from my point of view and if anyone mentioned in them is involved, they might see their side differently. This is just my take on what has happened to me.
- 2014
- June
- PTSD attack, severe, at the end of the month.
- Poly relationship took on a 3rd with “C” starting to date “A”
- July
- Started going to therapy to address the PTSD thing
- Grew extremely close to “A’s” family
- August
- Continuation of the therapy, going well, developing new coping methods, very positive
- Continuation of growing close to “A’s” family
- September
- “A” broke up with “C”, unexpectedly and without stating solid reason – lots of confusion and hurt
- “C” rekindled friendship with “T”, an old male friend of hers for over 10 years.
- Therapy continuing successfully.
- October
- Therapist takes job in Rochester, clinic tells me I’ll have to wait a few weeks to get placed when they rehire
- “C” and “T” move from friends to friends-with-benefits. I tell her the friends is A-OK, but the sex hurts while still reeling from the departure of “A” and her family. Despite this, “C” continues being physical. Any request for her to stop on my part would be futile, every offer made on her part to stop is made out of anger and frustration with me. She never understands that her making the decision out of love for me is so much more important than the outcome of the decision itself.
- November
- Still waiting for therapist placement.
- Mood of the house is getting frustrating. “C” continues sex with “T” and starts being physical with his female roommate, “M”. My level of hurt rises and I make no effort to hide it. I continue to tell her the sex is hurting. The sex still doesn’t stop.
- December
- Still waiting for therapist placement. PTSD attacks are under control and with the mood in the house getting more and more gloomy, the typical anger triggers coming my way are being met with, instead of my usual PTSD cowering, anger back on my part.
- Fly out to San Diego a little past Christmas and see old friends and family. Big reset button on my emotional and psychological self. Wonderful time was had.
- June
- 2015
- January
- Came back from San Diego to find out “C” had started a full relationship with “M” behind my back, effectively breaking the principle cardinal rule we established years ago. As someone put it later, “in a polyamorous relationship, she found a way to cheat on you.”
- Wanted to walk away from the relationship, saw that she did too. Though the hurt I felt was not mutual, the decision to break up was. So it happened.
- “C” moved out. I helped with as much as I could, rented the U-Haul for her, she moved in with “M”, gave up custody of “V” over to her biological father.
- First week alone was tough. Second week alone was hell. Told “C” how she had hurt me, was not keen on holding back, though I never set out to hurt her with my words. Inadvertently did, though.
- Gave up on the idea of the therapist ever placing me again
- Got the promotion at my job from Desktop Technician to Network Administrator. Nervous about the complexity of the job, but very very excited.
- February
- Coldest month I can recall in my life
- Apologized to “C” for any hurt my words caused.
- Attempted to call “V” to say good night, was told “C” would not want that.
- Found a huge amount of comfort in friends “G&J”
- Depression lifted a great deal, finding my footing again.
- Job was going great, learning a lot, and finding myself able to contribute somewhat effectively to the new team.
- March
- Cold spell continued.
- Friendship with G&J continued getting stronger.
- I continued getting stronger, effectively past the mourning period for my relationship with “C”, still wishing I could see “V”.
- Tried asking “V””s father for him to give her a wordless hug on my behalf. Am shot down. Hard. Told she needs to move on from me – considering it was a completely silent wordless request, the message came through loud and clear: everyone wants me to move on from her. That will never happen in my lifetime, she is and always will be my daughter.
- “C” set some groundrules for seeing “V” (under supervision, if I comply with her demands). Considering this was the biggest promise she made to me in our relationship (no matter what happens, you’ll still have her) and now requests are being made, I knew I could never trust her again. Nor could I ever trust that more requests wouldn’t follow. “V” deserves more respect than being a carrot on the end of a stick. Replied back with the truth – that I will live my life with love and my true caring self, and if that grants me the ability to be with her, then fantastic.
- “A” makes contact with me out of the blue. Tells me why she left “C”. Reasoning seems sound (though private) and she apologized from the heart. Was enough to get dialogue going and I found myself back in the arms of her and her family, whom I missed dearly.
- Job just gets better and better, meeting new challenges, feeling like a true part of the team.
- April
- Everything good (job, G&J, A, etc) continues rolling along splendidly. Feeling great and better about myself than ever.
- Everything bad (missing “V”, mostly) continues as well, though I recognize it is outside of my power and am officially mourning the loss of her. If she ever makes contact with me down the line, I will always be there for her. Otherwise, fighting a losing battle I have no control over will just drag me down and I can’t let that happen. Going to keep my promise of living my life as a good man.
- January
So there we have it. Some new stuff will be coming down the pipeline in May, going to start running again, etc, but it seemed like setting the stage would be most appropriate.
Mike's Thoughts 